This one ended far worse than last night...

Following last season’s Super Bowl I wrote an article detailing “Ten Reasons It’s Great to be a Jets Fan Right Now.” It was part hyperbole, part truth. Seeing the Giants win another Super Bowl forced me to convince myself I hadn’t made a catastrophic error picking the Jets as my NFL team. Much to my surprise, the list was pretty strong. I didn’t feel there were any stretches.

Now, only numbers ten and one ring true: We’re Championship Virgins and We Need The Eggs (see: Annie Hall).

The Rex Sanchez era came to an end Monday night in Nashville. There’s simply no way the Jets start the 2013 season with both Mark Sanchez as its quarterback and Rex Ryan as its head coach. Accordingly, this will likely be my penultimate post on this blog. I promised the website would be put to bed when one of its two namesakes changed teams, and as Ralph Fiennes said in In Bruges: “You’ve got to stick to your principles.”

(See what I did there? I’m like the Homeland writers with Brody. I now have an out to not come back but I can always change my mind because hey, wouldn’t that be a fun, nonlinear twist??)

Anyway, I came here to write that last night’s game was, in my 17-year Jets career, the single most embarrassing loss. Not the most painful or demoralizing, but the most embarrassing. There were people loudly laughing at me at work. They were LOLZing, people! LOLZING!

The world can laugh at us, but we all know that they’re just jealous of us. After all, we have the Butt Fumble and they don’t.

In conclusion, here are my Ten Worst Regular Season Jets Losses Since 1995. Enjoy.

(Asterisk denotes I toiled in the stadium that day.)

10. Week 16 vs. Eagles (1996)

Fourth Quarter Collapse/Rich Kotite

9. Week 6 vs. Bills (2009)

Sanchez’s First Stinker

8. Week 16 vs. Bills (2001) *

Herm’s Clock Management

7. Week 8 vs. Browns (2002) *

You Play To Win The Game!

6. Week 7 at Patriots (2012)

Stephen Hill

5. Week 15 at Titans (2012)

The End of The Sanchize

4. Week 17 at Ravens (2000) *

Let’s Stop Running The Hurry-Up Offense That Has Up 14-0

3. Week 16 vs. Lions (2000) *

John Hall

2. Week 17 at Lions (1997)

Leon Johnson/Ray Lucas

1. Week 1 vs. Patriots (1999)

Vinny’s Achilles

(Who knew the Lions were such a traumatizing opponent?)

                                                                             The Butt Fumble.

One year and 309 days ago---less than two years ago!---the Jets were playing for a place in the Super Bowl. They lost on that day, 24-19, to the Pittsburgh Steelers, a game they could have easily won if not for some Schotty goal line play-calling and Walter Payton reincarnating as Rashard Mendenhall. Now, on Nov. 27, 2012---less than two years later!!---they are playing for a draft position, with the possibility of entering the 2013 season with a new quarterback, head coach, and God willing, a new general manager.

The general manager. Let's start with him, because in my opinion, it ends with him. You can argue Rex has been a negative influence on Mike Tannebaum's decision-making---his track record pre-Rex is much better---but ultimately Tannenbaum pulls the trigger on every personnel decision, and his post-2010 AFC Championship Game roster moves have brought this team to, yes, The Butt Fumble.

How did we get here? Let's take a look. Oh, and grab a vomit bag while you're at it.

Actually, watch this first. Sometimes I love how trashy Jets fans are.

We're going to focus on post-2010 personnel decisions, but let's not forget these post-2009 roster moves, as the 2010 squad would have been far stronger if not for these missteps.

2009-10 Offseason

Joe McKnight for Leon Washington

McKnight's NFL legacy will be puking during his rookie training camp. Leon's legacy will be the all-time leader in kickoff returns for a touchdown (8), half of which came after Mr. T decided Leon was washed up and injury-prone.

Matt Slauson for Alan Faneca

While Slauson has improved from train wreck to below average, Tannenbaum decided to remove an integral part of the Jets Ground-And-Pound operation, and the result was the team's rushing offense going from a 2,756 yard-21 touchdown-4.5 yards per carry clip, to a less impressive 2,374 yards-14 toucdowns-4.4 yards per carry clip.

LaDainian Tomlinson for Thomas Jones

Their 2010 stats were virtually identical, but Tannenbaum decided to remove a locker room leader and fan favorite for a player who notoriously came up small in playoff games, was on the downside of his career, and who has now become a professional Jets troll.

Ignoring the trend of a two-tight end league, Tannenbaum opted not to surround his franchise quarterback with a new target, but rather unproven college talents. Each of those tight ends---all Pro Bowlers and two likely future Hall of Famers, were picked shortly after---just one pick in Hernandez's case---the Jets took a trio of players who have contributed absolutely nothing to the team in three seasons.

2010-11 Offseason

Wayne Hunter for Damien Woody

Derrick Mason for Jerricho Cotchery

Again, a veteran wide receiver that Sanchez had a real connection with was let go in favor of one of the worst dudes to ever inhabit the Jets locker room. So bad that Mr. T had to cut his losses and release him after five games. Do you know how big a jerk-off you have to be for the Jets, THE JETS!, to release you because of character issues? Cotchery, on the other hand, was quickly gobbled up by one of the most respected franchises in the NFL, the Steelers.

After just one season, The Flight Boys, a group of receivers Sanchez genuinely trusted, was dismantled.

Eric Smith for Kerry Rhodes

The problem with this move was not letting Kerry Rhodes walk, that was fine, but rather allowing Eric Smith to assume the starting safety role with very little competition (see: Brodney Pool). It's really hard and painful to remember every play Smith blew in the secondary last season, but the enduring image of his Jets career and the 2011 season will always be him chasing Victor Cruz down the sideline on that 99-yard touchdown.

T.J. Conley for Steve Weatherford

T.J. "I've Learned What It Means To Be A Pro" Conley is out of the NFL and Steve Weatherford played a crucial role on a Super Bowl winning team and is now one of the highest paid punters in league history. This one probably falls on Westhoff's shoulders, too. Actually, no, I'm sorry. He's the GREATEST. He NEVER makes mistakes. (Fraud.)

John Conner for Tony Richardson

Yet another example of Tannebaum letting a locker room leader and fan favorite go in favor of an unproven backup who only earned the chance to play because HBO producers included him in their show. Conner, like Conley, is now out of football.

This is not an indictment of Tebow. I actually like him as a person more than I thought I would, and the Jets have grossly misused whatever talent he has. This instead falls on Tannebaum's shoulders, as for the fourth straight season he failed to provide a reliable backup quarterback who Rex could go to when Sanchez shits the bed.

This is not a compliment of Plax. Instead, it is Tannebaum deciding that an unproven college talent could assume the role of a No. 2 receiver in the NFL. The Jets brass themselves said after the draft Hill was a "raw talent." If you know anything about sports and scouting prospects, you know "raw talent" is an euphemism for "shitty player who could be good someday." The Jets decided a "raw talent" would be a starting wide receiver in 2012.

No one for Bart Scott; No one for Calvin Pace; No one for Santonio Holmes
These three annoy me for so many reasons. Many of the idiotic moves listed above were made under the guise the Jets were trying to stay young and cut their losses on veteran players before they became washed up and overpaid. This offseason the Jets had a chance to cut two aging, ineffective linebackers---a position that actually needed fresh legs---and save a boatload of money, but Tannenabum instead chose to keep them, going back on his entire philosophy of In With The New, Out With The Old. As for Holmes, the Jets had a chance to get out from under his albatross of a contract (the Jets gave him $45 million when the Steelers were happy to get rid him of for a fifth-round pick), but Tannenbaum decided to keep him and give him almost all of his guaranteed money because he knew he had no other options at wide receiver. This was after a season in which he absolutely poisoned the locker room and the team's franchise quarterback, and saw his receptions and receiving yards decline.

The overall message here, which I hope you've been able to discern from the past 1,300 words, is that general manger Mike Tannenbaum must be fired at season's end. His pompous, inconsistent, and downright moronic personnel decisions have doomed a once promising franchise. If Rex gets caught in the crossfire because he's a Tannebaum appointee, then so be it; he probably had a say in a number of these moves, as well.

I can't believe I just typed that. It was all so different less than two years ago.

Tannenbaum's most ineffective, if not worst, offseason move was bringing in Tony Sparano as the team's offensive coordinator. Sparano's play calling ability (if he even has any) is guided around a team who has punishing running backs and a quarterback who can manage a game; the Jets have neither. I would pin Sanchez's regression more on the lack of talent around him than the play calling, but Sparano and his coaches have not put him in a position to succeed either. For a coach who built his reputation on a gimmick offense, Sparano's play calling has been painfully unimaginative, and even worse, when his gameplan for the week is failing, he is unable to make adjustments and instead goes into a conservative shell. It almost makes you yearn for the days of The...

No, wait. I don't really mean that. I'm still convinced Brian Schottenheimer is one of the worst player callers in NFL history. His failure to understand game situations is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen, and quite possibly cost the Jets a trip to the Super Bowl. (WARNING: Reading the play-by-play of the first series of the fourth quarter will make you nauseous.) I will never forgive him for his play calling in that game. It will haunt me in the same way Yadier Molina, Doug Brien and Adam Henrique have all negatively affected my life.

With that said, Schotty has brought us one unalienable morsel of happiness: The Beautiful Mind. For those of unfamiliar with it, TBM wrote a (somewhat) weekly column for us from 2009-11. He explained his baffling decisions from the previous game and would occasionally make us privy to chats with his father and former NFL head coach, Marty. With the Jets set to face-off against their former offensive coordinator this Sunday in St. Louis, we asked TBM if he'd like to make a guest appearance. As always, he obliged.

***
Hey bitches! What's up? Did you see me this past Sunday in San Francisco? I manufactured a tie! It was great! Take a look at my play calling on the final drive of overtime. We got the ball back with 1:36 left to play, and over the course of the next 96 seconds in a hurry-up offense, spiking the ball not included, we ran only 7 plays, just one of them for more than 9 yards, and got a delay of game penalty! Do you have any idea how difficult is to get a DELAY OF GAME penalty in a hurry-up offense?!? I just wouldn't tell Bradford the play! And let me tell you, Marty was proud. He called me after the game and said...actually, I'll tell you later. He was on a roll. I don't want to get sidetracked.

SO (smiles ear to ear), how's Sparano working for you guys??? (Ray Liotta-Goodfellas-laugh) I loved that hire. Really good stuff from Tannenbaum. Let's bring in a Wildcat coach even though we don't have the personnel for it, bring in a celebrity backup quarterback to run it and distract our mentally fragile starting quarterback, talk about running it the entire offseason, and then never use it! You know why they didn't use it in the preseason? No, not because they wanted to keep it a secret, but because they knew it sucked! I bet you wish you had me patrolling that sideline instead of that sunglasses wearing freak. Did you see the way he celebrated after getting lucky and winning the game in Miami? What a psycho! The only time I ever embraced Rex after a win was the playoff game in San Diego, and that was when Rex was fat and cuddly. Now he's skinny with saggy skin and can't coach for his life. I told him to keep eating. He wouldn't listen.

Really, though. Tell me how you feel about Sparano. At least I wasn't terrified to throw the ball downfield. I may have had Sanchez rollout to the left with Slauson as his lead blocker and have him throw across his body to David Clowney, but I still did it! And I wasn't a coward in the running game either. Sparano is afraid to pound the rock. I would Establish LT no matter what the circumstances were. Down 20? Establish LT. Up 20? Establish LT. Shonn Greene on fire? Establish. L. T. I was a man of conviction. Sparano is afraid to mistakes, and yet he still makes them! I realized early on that Mark was a disgrace to the quarterback position so I decided to have some fun with him, ya know? Screw with the kid. When he has time to think he throws red zone interceptions like he did last weekend. When he's running for his life with Wayne Hunter as the last line of defense between him and death, he's actually halfway decent. I couldn't believe you guys gave us Hunter. I love that guy. We get Arby's every day after practice. He's really a sensitive guy. Big heart.

Anyway, let me tell you about my favorite play calls of this season. You guys will appreciate this. We're in London for the game versus the Patriots. We're down 45-7 in the fourth quarter, I was doing a pretty shitty job but I didn't feel shitty enough. After all, we're in England! The whole world is watching! I needed everyone to see the beauty that inhabits my mind. So I say to Fischer, let's take Sam out of the game and put in Kellen. That's right. Kellen Clemens! I took him to St. Louis with me. Jeff agreed and it was full steam ahead. Two run plays, and then I call a QB sweep for him. That's right: a QB sweep for Kellen Clemens! He gained five yards and was nearly murdered. Great stuff. Next play, he fumbles the snap, recovers it but not before being jumped on by four defensive linemen. Again, almost murdered. Next play, he completes a 39-yard pass. As you can imagine, I was NOT happy. So then two plays later we're down to the New England 15, and I call this terrible pass play that has NO chance of working. He drops back, scans the defense (TBM starts laughing), I shit you not guys, he threw it into QUADRUPLE coverage and was intercepted. It was amazing. I was fist-pumping so hard on the inside. If that NFL-sponsored World League still existed I would have received head coaching offers from every team in Europe. It was fantastic. What a great day.

All right, let's quickly talk about this upcoming Sunday before I share my Marty convo with you. How do you see it going? Is the team gonna quit on Rex? Is Sanchez going to cry on the sideline? Is Cro going to punch a fan chanting TEEEE-BOW in the face? (Love that guy.) On our end I'm expecting big things. Don't tell anyone but I have something special cooked up...pun intended (winks awkwardly). I have a feeling Sam may come down with a case of food poisoning. And you know what that means? It's Sanchez! It's Clemens! It's the NFL on CBS! Seriously though, how much would you guys love a Mark Sanchez vs. Kellen Clemens matchup? It'd be amazing right? I'd put Wayne Hunter at tight end and have him run skinny posts to the end zone. You guys game for that? Never say I didn't do anything for you Jets fans! Love you assholes! See ya Sunday!

-TBM

***

OK, folks. Here's my conversation with my dad, Marty, following Sunday's, 24-24, tie with the 49ers.

(Ringing)

Marty: Hello

TBM: Hey, pa. It's me, Brian.

Marty: Son! I'm so proud of you! A tie? You beautiful sonuvabitch! How'd you pull that off?

TBM: Oh, joy! I was worried you were going to be mad at me! I thought you wanted me to play for a tie versus the Jets next week. I struck too early!

Marty: No, no, no. A tie is a tie no matter who it's against. It's the epitome of conservative play calling. It's a beautiful thing, just like your mind, son.

TBM: Thanks, pa! I wanted to be just like you, though! You know what I mean? Remember back in...

Marty: Of course I remember! That was the highlight of my career! I'll never forget it. Do you mind if I recount that fateful day?

TBM: Sure, dad! You know how much I love story time!

Marty: (Squints eyes, looks off into distance) The date was Nov. 19, 1989. It was a cold, windy afternoon in Cleveland. Are there any others??!? (Squealing laugh) It was my first season with the Chiefs and it was my first game back in Cleveland since they fired me. They thought Bud Carson was a better option than me. Bud Carson! LOL, right? Anyway, I told the team how much I wanted this game. Christian Okoye stood up in the locker room and yelled, "Yes, Coach! We will win this one for you!" My eyes opened wide. I walked up the Nigerian Nightmare and said, "No, Christian. Today, I want a tie." A hush fell over the locker room. Okoye slowly sat down, never losing eye contact with me. I told the team what a tie would mean to me. That it would solidify me as the most conservative coach in the history of big games. You see, Browns brass thought I was too bold handing the ball off to Byner in '87 Championship Game. They wanted a fullback blast with Kevin Mack. I didn't comply. The rest is history. To the team's credit, they fully understood. Okoye pointed at Steve DeBerg and said, "Don't you dare throw a touchdown today!" The team all turned and looked at DeBerg. Steve raised a fist, pointed a finger towards the sky, and proclaimed, "We do this for Marty. No touchdowns today. We play for a 0-0 tie!" Let me tell you, the team went crazy!

TBM: Dad, do you mind if I take a crap while you're talking? It’s literally coming out of my ass.

Marty: What? Yeah, do whatever you want you sick little freak. Anyway, the team gave it their all. They really tried not to score. But then something terrible happened. Down 3-0 in the third quarter, the Browns fumbled at their own 3-yard line and Neil Smith returned it for a touchdown. He ran over to me on the sideline and apologized, explaining he would have been accused of fixing the game if he hadn't gone in for six. I said it was OK. Things went from bad to worse though when Eric Metcalf gave Cleveland a 10-7 lead late in the third. Between quarters I gathered the team at midfield and explained we would play for a 10-10 tie. Neither team had a good offense going that day so I told our kicker Nick Lowery to tie the game, which he did, and then not make another field goal the rest of the day. Son, I don't say this about many people, but I'm forever indebted to that guy. At the end of regulation he missed a field goal to win it but the Browns were called for an offside. He had another chance from 39 yards and missed that one, too. And then finally, with 10 seconds left in overtime, he had a chance in the closed end of the stadium to kick the game-winner from 47 yards and the kick came up 5 yards short! The guy was a long-distance machine. He held the NFL record for field goals of over 50 yards! Anyway, the game ended in a tie and we ran off the field as if we had won the Super Bowl. It was the only tie of my coaching career. It was also the best day of my life.

(Editor's Note: I seriously think these conversations happened. Read the game story from that day. It opens with, "He came. He saw. He tied." It later says, "Schottenheimer suppressed pleasure at the verdict." All the Lowery stuff is true, also. Scary.)

TBM: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. (Flushes toilet.) I remember watching with mom. She cried of joy after Lowery missed that last field goal. She said, "See, Brian. He's won the team over. They tied just for him."

Marty: Mom was right. I still have the game ball from that day. It's on a mantle in my office. It reads, "Coach: Thank you for teaching us the meaning of being a p***y and never letting us confuse winning with doing the right thing."

TBM: Dad? (Pitch of voice rises)

Marty: Yes, son. (Pitch of voice deepens)

TBM: If I tie the Jets this weekend and become the first offensive coordinator in the modern era to draw consecutive games, can I have that ball?

Marty: Son, if you tie again this week not only will I give you the ball, I'll give you my thickest pair of glasses. That my boy, will make you a true Schottenheimer!

TBM: You've got a deal!

(Hangs up.)

Anyway, we're going back to an old favorite, a theme that produced two memorable seasons and starred in this site's glory days: Things We Never Knew (About the 2012 Jets)

*OK, here we go. In case you forgot from last season, here is the origin of "Things We Never Knew."

Rex Ryan has a peculiar hitch in his speech, a sort of verbal trope the listener might only notice after a year or so of press conferences. It goes like this: When you would say, "I didn't know," Rex says, "I never knew." When you'd say, "I did not anticipate that happening," Rex would say, "I never anticipated that happening." Basically, the guy always says "never!" He never says "not!" *

1. That Shonn Greene Is Still Alive

Here's a depressing stat: Shonn Greene has not rushed for 100+ yards and a touchdown in a game decided by less than 24 points since, you (probably haven't) guessed it, Jan. 17. 2010, when the Jets beat the Chargers, 17-14, in the AFC Divisional Round (23-128-1). Greene provided the signature moment of that season and perhaps the Rex Sanchez era, when he ran over Eric Weddle en route to a 53-yard touchdown. Just a week later Greene began to show signs of perhaps his most glaring weakness---his lack of durability---when he left the AFC Championship Game with bruised ribs and the Jets leading 17-13. Greene couldn't muster the cojones to finish the game, and an ineffective Thomas Jones (16-42-0) forced the Jets to abandon Ground and Pound and allowed the Colts to take the lead and win the game. (I swear I don't think about these things every day. Just every week.)

Fast-forward nearly three years and we've had Jets fans calling for the likes of Bilal Powell and Jonathan Grimes to usurp Greene as the Jets starting running back. Whether it was a soft Colts defense or the realization his livelihood was at stake, Greene responded with his most impressive performance since that glorious January afternoon, rushing for a career-high 161 yards and three touchdowns in the Jets, 35-9, victory. If Gang Green has any chance of beating the Patriots on Sunday, that same angry, battering Greene must make a return appearance.

2. Antonio Cromartie Has A Second Gear

When Darrelle Revis went down for the season all Jets fans had nightmares of Cro-DontWearA-Magnum covering the opponent's no. 1 wide receiver. The Jets were slated to face the likes of Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne and Larry Fitzgerald. And outside of his all-pro season with the Chargers in 2007 when he led the NFL in interceptions, Cromartie never showed he had the talent to be an elite cornerback in the NFL. Well, through three games, Cromartie has delivered, backing up his inane claim that he was the second-best cornerback in the NFL. He has held Michael Crabtree, Johnson, and Wayne to 8 catches for 109 yards and no touchdowns through three games, stats that would even make Revis blush. This week should be trickier, however, knowing how nefariously the Patriots deploy their wide receivers and tight ends, and due to Brandon Lloyd's freakish skill set.

3. Austin Howard Is A Competent Right Tackle

(Whispering) I know, right?!? You've barely noticed him out there. Brick has been a bigger liability than him! Oh, crap. I think Wilfork and Chandler Jones can hear us. Let's stop talking about this.

4. Dustin Keller Is A Huge...Yeah

I know it's terribly unfair for me or any other Internet blowhard to criticize Keller (or Greene) for not playing through an injury, but it's hard to believe a non-hamstring tear could keep an NFL player out four weeks, let alone in a contract year. Even in the two games he's played, Keller has a grand total of two catches for 13 yards. Moreover, he's not even being targeted by Mark Sanchez, who in seasons past has forced pass after pass to Keller even when he was not open. It's time for Keller to wake up; he's losing money off his next contract every week.

5. Mike Tannenabum Is A Terrible General Manager

JK. Lolz. We already knew that.

If you're going to blame anyone for the inevitable 8-8 finish to this season (the Jets are 11-11 in their last 22 games), it shouldn't be Sanchez (see: NYJ's starting receivers vs. Texans/49ers), it shouldn't be Rex Ryan (I NEVER said he was to blame!), and it shouldn't be Revis and Santonio's injuries (they would have been better off cutting Santonio before the season so his money didn't become guaranteed), it should be Tannenbaum. The pompous asshole of a GM has not added an impact player through the draft or free agency since drafting Revis in 2007. His failure to sign Nnamdi Asomugha crippled the team's offseason in 2011, and he failed to redeem himself this past summer. If anyone pays the price for another failed (non-Super Bowl) season, it should be Tannenbaum.

6. Nick Folk is the Jets Most Reliable Offensive Weapon

What the hell am I doing? Never mind.

(Seriously though, Folk has missed crucial first quarter field goals in two of the last three Jets-Pats games. My money is on him making that three of four on Sunday.)

Prediction: Jets 23, Patriots 22

Prediction Record: 34-25

(For those new readers, I have never predicted the Jets to lose a game on this blog.)