Well, at least she isn't drinking her own urine on live television!

That would put Michelle Ryan, Rex's wife, in league with former Chelsea FC manager Uncle Avram Grant's slightly-creepier half, Tzofit.

If it's real, though, and please, judge for yourself-- I'm not watching it a second time-- The Rex and Michelle Ryan Foot Fetish Tape (ohmygod I just wrote that) immediately takes a very prominent place in the Weird Shit Hall of Fame's Pro Sports wing.

As we understand it... There's this video. In this video, a woman who looks a whole lot like Mrs. Ryan sits in the driver's seat of a stationary car, her bare feet crossed and perched at the base of an open window (turned on yet?). Then THE voice comes in from behind the camera. Yeah, THE voice. The woman, stage center, and THE voice then go on to have a flirtatious discussion centered on the finer points of her ehem "mature" pups.

The video was posted by "ihaveprettyfeet," an Ellicot City, Maryland-based user, to YouTube. The Ryans lived there during Rex's long stint with the Ravens...

Oh, fuck me, just go to goddamn Deadspin and read over the evidence.

***Postscript: Let's be clear on one thing: Ain't nothing illegal here. Ain't nothing for Roger Goodell to review except for his own personal pleasure. Ain't nothing that has anything to do with anything but making you want to not eat for a few weeks.***

We won't have more on this later, I pray, but in the meantime, as @tajapandu noted, THIS makes a whole lot more sense right now than this time yesterday. 

"OK, Ben. You can stop holding me now. I'm not the other team's linebacker."

After the Jets lost to the Falcons in Week Fifteen last season I wrote an article telling the Jets why their season was over.

I jumped the gun. Their season wasn't over. In fact, it hadn't even begun.

Eleven days later and the Jets were a single victory away from earning an improbable postseason berth. That week I asked the Jets to begin a bloody, vengeful murder spree, a la Phil Leotardo, and obtain retribution against all those who had wronged them in the past.

They granted my wish for three straight weeks but ultimately fell short of complete and total revenge, just like the New York family did in The Sopranos.

Unlike Phil, however, the Jets were given a second chance this fall. For eleven weeks they made the most of their new life just how they promised me they would.

And that's why I didn't jump off the bandwagon after the Dolphins loss (that and because it was moving way too fast and I would've risked life-threatening injuries). I couldn't imagine the season ending because of two measly losses. The Jets were 9-4 and controlled their own destiny. I had invested way too much time and energy in this team. I even had a dream they won the Super Bowl. (I'm not kidding! The only problem with the dream was that they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. That made it unrealistic for soooo many reasons.)

Then came Sunday.

The Jets traveled to Pittsburgh to face a Steelers team that had hit its stride in recent weeks, winning four in a row including a season-defining win in Baltimore two weeks ago. New York did get one significant break, though. The Steelers were without their best player, Troy Polamalu. (Seriously, ask any Steelers fan and they will tell you No. 43 is more important to the team than the scumbag who plays quarterback.) But that comes with the territory of playing Week Fifteen football in the National Football League (cheers, Jaws!). The Jets lost their most influential defensive player in Week One. It was no excuse for Pittsburgh.

I had braced themselves for a quick, painless 45-3-style loss. I had no expectations other than Sanchez losing a kidney (I bet the under on The Likely Lad's line) and Matt Spaeth breaking the NFL single-game receptions record. I didn't even have the game in the big box in my picture-in-picture when Brad Smith returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown. There was some crazy ending going on in a game in north Jersey. That was must-see television.

OK. It's 7-0. The Jets will have to hold the Steelers to six points if they're going to win this game!

...

As you can guess that was not the case.

When the Steelers took a 17-10 lead with a touchdown on their first drive of the second half, it appeared the Jets were about to break. For the first time all season I started thinking about Spring Training. "If Dickey can win 20 and Thole bats .380, they can win 70 games next season!" It really was a comforting thought.

With the crowd at its loudest pitch of the day, Sanchez stomped onto the field with his trademark poor body language and incurable puppy face. Unbeknownst to the television viewer though, beyond that petulant facade laid a man who was about to save his team's season.

Four completions for 35 yards, two third-down conversions and seven plays later the Jets had a fourth-and-1 at the Pittsburgh seven-yard line. For all intents and purposes, this was their season. Get it and you live. Miss it and...and...why can't Dickey win 20 in 2011?! Give me one good reason.

Shonn Greene got it! Wait, what? Where's Sanchez running? Why did Turner just do a fat-guy roll into the end zone?! What is that oblong brown shaped object in Sanchez's hands? By golly he's done it! Sanchez faked out every person in the stadium. It was as good a play action bootleg as you'll ever see (even better than Namath at the Yale Bowl ya old crazies!)

The Jets had been rocked in the mouth. Blood poured from their face. They laid on the canvas staring at the ref as he counted to ten. It was over if they wanted it to be. But in what will hopefully be, you know, one of those season-defining drives, the Jets offense marched down the field for the unit's first touchdown since Thanksgiving night. Most importantly, it was orchestrated by the man who controls the Jets' Super Bowl fate. Normally that last sentence would make me poo my pants, but after yesterday, I probably just silent fart and hope no one notices.

The game was still far from won.

But that's when the defense stepped up! Remember what Eric Mangini called that? Complementary football. The special teams had helped. The offense did their job. Now it was the defense's turn.

Jason Taylor and Co. would shutout the Steelers in the game's final 20 minutes, even earning the Jets two crucial points that forced Pittsburgh to try for a touchdown on the contest's last drive. During that score of minutes New York's defense recorded two sacks, both by Drew Coleman, and had its signature moment of the season when Taylor tossed Mewelde Moore into the end zone for a safety.

It nearly allowed the Steelers to drive 92 yards* in 128 seconds to win the game, but just how it did versus Miami and Minnesota, the defense made the big play when it had to. It wasn't the group's best day, but just like its quarterback, it showed the heart of a champion.

*After the scumbag quarterback rushed for a first down before the two-minute warning, he clearly stepped out of bounds at the 27-yard line. When the game resumed, the Steelers had the ball at the 30-yard line. Then, every time Pittsburgh would spike the ball the clock would blatantly stop a second before the scumbag quarterback threw it to the ground...especially with the spike at nine seconds left. I hate dem' yinzer scoreboard people!

Special, unexpected game balls to Steve Weatherford (three punts inside the 20, two inside the 10 in final three minutes), Nick Folk (two clutch field goals in a tough stadium for kickers; F**k you, Doug Brien) and most importantly, Marquice Cole!

Who knew he was even on the active roster! It was Cole who caught Weatherford's punt at the three-yard line that led to the safety and it was Cole who batted the game's final pass incomplete.

What a truly fantastic win. Once again the Jets reminded us they are a better road team than they are a home team. I wish that wasn't the case but it is. That's a good thing though because they will have to go on the road in Round One and beat a team who they're better than (like last year), travel to New England in Round Two, and finally, just maybe, return to Pittsburgh for the AFC Championship Game on Jan. 23.

For that return trip to happen a lot has to go on in the next 35 days. For starters, the Jets have to travel to Chicago next week where the Rex Sanchez team will do its best to clinch the team's second consecutive postseason birth.

That may not sound like much, but after a brief knockdown, the Jets are back on their feet. Winning may never be easy with this team, but ending their season will be even harder.

Just like last year, the season doesn't begin until early January.

Welcome to the first and last-- Over/Under on how many gimmicky column ideas I can use then kill off in one gut-wrenching Jets football season: 3.5-- edition of the New York Jets Over/Under challenge.

Today, we will use gambling as a fancy frame in which to display our impotent rage... our petulant second-guessing... our manic, doomsday ramblings... our... Over/Under on how many cutesy phrases I can list here to describe our collective reaction to a two-game losing streak: 37.5.

~Disclaimer~ We here at RS highly recommend you make these wagers, with a swig (from a bottle of a very potent alcoholic beverage) as the reward for hitting your mark. Please drink irresponsibly, it will make things better.

1- Damien Woody, the Jets' lone competent RT underwent surgery this week to repair a minor tear to his MCL. He is expected to miss the rest of the regular season, with a return likely for the playoffs. Over/Under on how many more games Woody plays this season: 1

2- LaDainian Tomlinson rushed the ball eight times on first down against the Dolphins for a grand total of 18 yards. That's an average of 2.25 yards per carry for you stat wizards out there. The Steelers allow about 60 yards per game on the ground. Over/Under on how many times Schottenheimer runs Tomlinson inside on first down: 12

3- Old pal Ben Hartsock made his debut last week, racking up two quality, momentum-crushing penalties: one, a sweet lil' hold that knocked the offense, which had just GASP converted on a third and short, back ten yards to about midfield. The other was for a richly deserved facemask. Yes, a facemask call on a guy playing offense. Over/Under on how many times that call has been made in the past five years: 5

4- Brick, Slauson, Mangold, Moore, Hunter-Turner vs. Hood, Hampton, Keisel, Timmons, Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison. Over/Under on the number of kidneys Mark Sanchez has by 8 pm EST Sunday. 1.5

5- The Jets had the Number 1 pick in the NFL Draft two years in a row back in '96 and '97. The second year, their first under Parcells, they traded down, passing up on Future Hall of Famer Orlando Pace. With their new pick, no. 8, they selected Future Hall of Famer James Farrior, whom they let go in free agency and has since played in and won two of them Super Bowls. The backbone of the vaunted Steeler defense, he has now played 137 regular season games with Pittsburgh. Farrior is 35 years old. Over/Under on how many tackles he makes on Sunday: 14.5

6- When he was arrested for DWI in September, Braylon Edwards blew a .16. Over/Under on how many catches Braylon Edwards makes on Sunday at Heinz Field: .16

7- Direct quote from Brian Schottenheimer in today's New York Post, responding to fan chants of "Schotty Must Go!"

"It comes with the territory. I know I'm a damn good football coach. I'm good at what I do."

Over/Under on the amount of times a Sanchez completion is followed by Brad Smith and the Wildcat: 12
Over/Under on how many completions Sanchez finishes with: 12
Over/Under on how many Super Bowls Schotty Jr. wins after he's fired, thus cleansed of Jet Stink, then hired as HC of the BB: 2.5

Prediction: Steelers 27, Jets 10

Enjoy!

Duh one, duh only: Mike Francesuhr.

For those of you who haven't noticed, The Likely Lad and I frequently mock Mike Francesa on this blog. And for those of you who don't know who he is, Francesa is the franchise radio personality of WFAN in New York. From September 1989 through August 2008, Francesa teamed with Chriss Russo to form the greatest sports talk radio show in the medium's history: Mike and the Mad Dog.

For the past two years though, Francesa has been operating the 5.5-hour weekday radio show without Russo. Previously, Mad Dog would cut the tension both accidentally and intentionally when Mike was ready to fight a caller or the show's producer. Without his canine sidekick, Mike has no one to tame him. He's an animal.

Supplementing Francesa's unmatched pompousness and pretentiousness is his HEAVY NEW YAWK accent. And that's where today's special guest comes in.

MikeFrancesaNY, the greatest Twitter account in all the land, mock tweets Francesa during each of his three "No. 1 shows": Mike'd Up: Francesa on the FAN (weekdays 1-6:30 p.m. on FAN and YES), Mike'd Up on NBC (Sundays at 11:35 p.m. on NBC), and the NFL Today (Sundays at 10 a.m. on FAN and YES).

With the Jets one traumatic Sunday loss away from having their season officially implode, Francesa has been relentless in attacking da CLASSLESS, ATROCIOUS(!!!) clowns dat are da Jets.

Luckily, we were able to arrange an interview with MikeFrancesaNY to discuss the Jets, his time at the FAN, and what makes him New Yawk's Numbah One.

(Mad Dog voice) In a big spot, in a big spot, Mike, you hear me? In a big spot, the kid did a great job.

(NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN INTERVIEW BETWEEN ME AND MYSELF. THE COUNSELING AND REHAB HAS BEEN REALLY HELPFUL. NOW I'M JUST INTERVIEWING PEOPLE FROM ANONYMOUS TWITTER ACCOUNTS.)

1. Be honest, Mike. You wanted the Jets to collapse! Ever since they stole the victory in the Curtis Painter game in Indy last year you have resented them. Admit it!

I nevah want da Jets to lose. I don't have a pony in da race. Da show has moah juice if awl da teams ahr perfoahmin well. But if youah gonna tawk like Muhammed Ali, youah gotta perfoahm like Muhammed Ali, and right now, dey ahr like da Brooklyn Brawlah. A jabbah against any good teams! Da Jets tawk tawk tawk like a bunch of clowns. Well I'm tiyahd of listenin, ok. Back it up fa a change.  Da results ah da results. If da results ah in and youah not first, well then you can't say youah first cause youah not first. SHOW ME DA RESULTS!

2. Talk about "Mistah Californiar Cool." You know, the kid from USC. Why can't a quarterback from California be successful? I bet that's something Parcells told you, right? Bill would never betray you right?

Ugh, if youah gonna be a good quahtahback, youah gotta be able to play in awl da elements. Tom plays in da elements, ok. In da elements, Tom is Tom and Mistah Californiar Cool plays like my 5-yeah old! He buries his head in da sand and can't pass to anyone. And if youah gonna play in dis town, youah gotta deal with da weathah, I recap da weathah every Sunday moahnin cawse its impoahtant, not foah my health! Quit actin like youah so cool and undah control becawse youah not -- YOUAH LAWST!

Follow-up: Have you gotten over Bill visiting Mad Dog's show at the Super Bowl and not yours?

I didnt even know Bill was in Miami, ok. To be honest, and I dont tawk about myself a lawt, me and Bill had a fawlin out since our dinnahs at Manny's. Im not in competition with Chris. I'm in competition with Kay and youah cant find his ratings with a microscope! Bill is just a peashootah in a wahr Ive been winnin foah 20 yeahs, and I'll win foah anothah 20 yeahs. I don't plan on leavin dis chaiyah anytime soon.

3. Rex Ryan. Your thoughts? Should up-and-coming coaches want to be like Rex and the Jets?

Rex Ryan is a clown. Youah gotta go think one game a time like I think one DC (Diet Coke) at a time.  Youah can't get ahead of youahself. When youah don't think one game at a time, its gonna come back to bite youah. Youah can tawk awl youah want but it doesn't get youah anywhere! And why would anyone wanna be like da Jets. Dat's wohse den wantin to be Kay! What have da Jets done besides tawk and tawk and tawk. Youah wanna be like Tom and Bill and da Pats, ok!

4. Hey, Mike. A lot of the mongos who read the blog still think the Jets are winning the Super Bowl. Are they lost?

Listen, dey ahr not lawst. Things can break right but now dey ahr thinkin like dere coach. Youah dont think 5 weeks in da future. Youah think about da next game. Beat da Steelahs, beat da Beahs, Beat da Bills. Den we can tawk playoffs!

5. Sal Asoli. Atrocious? Classless? A mongo? Why didn't Mr. T speak with him at the press conference on Monday?

A classless individual who is a direct reflection of da entiyah ORGANIZATION! It stahts from da top and stahts from Training Camp. When youah act like clowns, it stahrts from da top and goes awl da way to da ballboys. Just anothah terrible example of how classless da #ClasslessJets really ahr.

6. Of your three No. 1 shows, which is the best? Can you rank them? Who poses the biggest threat to the afternoon show? Is it Michael Kay?

Awl I do is WIN WIN WIN!  I didn't bring it up, youah did! Awl da shows ahr numbah 1s becawse I bring hahd hittin analysis to da people of New Yawk.  Dey ahr awl da best in dere timeslot, ok. No one show is bettah den da othuh. Dere is no threat. Ive been numbah 1 foah 20 yeahs and nobody is close!

7. Have you recovered from the intern who stole your eggroll? I know that must have been tough. Do you miss Sal? How's the new producer? I heard Eddie hated your guts.

Hey! If yaw gawna come at me wit a personawl attack, let me respond! Sloppy Eddie may have hated my guts but I hated his scent even moah. Good riddance he is gawn - now I can finally take a deep breath in Blue Heaven.  Sugah Ray Mahtel is great. My guys ahr great, especially Mink. Just know if youah steal my eggroll its not da worst idear but it's certainly not da best idear. Youah wont be workin heah fa long if youah take my Diet Coke's tho. Dose ahr untouchable unlike da Mets cawr who should awl be traded.

8. Brandon Inge or Diet Cokes? You have to sacrifice the existence of one to keep your three No. 1 shows. Which is it going to be?

I like Inge A-LAWT, ok.  But I keep da DCs, ok. I got many playahs I like. Da kid from Pittsburgh, Arroyer...youah know, da lil girl wit da curl, Jetah, Marryano, Andy. But I will nevah, evah drink Diet Pepsi!

9. Mike, I'm surprised your doing an interview with a blogger. The kid at MetsBlog, he's still blogging and still hasn't taken a bath! Am I just another mongo like him?

A what? A bloogah? Like somethin up youah nose? I thawt you worked fa a newspapah. I only agreed to dis interview to take a shot at Mushnick. I guess youah ah just anothah losah dat types on da calculatah. Go take a showah.

10. Mike, I hate to tell you this, but the greatest interview in the history of your three No. 1 shows was done without you: Bruce Beck interviewing Stephon Marbury on Mike'd Up on NBC in 2007. Your thoughts on Beck, Starbury, and the one that got away?

Bruce Beck is a hack. Stahbury is a CLOWN. And I am happy I didnt have to conduct dat abomination of an intahview. If I was dere askin da hahrd-hittin questions dat intahview would have nevah gotten out of hand becawse I am a consummate professional, ok.

11. And lastly, I don't need a long answer here, but tell me what you think about this: The Yankees should move Andy Pettitte to the bullpen and use him as a set-up man.

ANDY PETTITTE IS A STAHTING PITCHAH!!!!

The 2010 Jets aren't the only Super Bowl team a Schottenheimer has ruined---Marty's finest effort.

With the Jets nearing an apocalyptic end to their Super Bowl season, someone will have to pay. It won't be Rex Ryan. It won't be Mark Sanchez. It won't even be Sal Asoli.

If the Jets fail to make the playoffs, it will be Brian Schottenheimer who is canned (and then inexplicably gets a head coaching job).

This past Sunday against Miami Schotty put on another legendary performance, trying his absolute best to prevent the Jets from entering the end zone.

He succeeded.

Here are his thoughts from throughout the game and his post-game chat with his dad, Marty.

(Again, these are all real plays in real-time, written in Brian's internal and external dialect.)

1st Quarter

1st and 10, ball at NYJ 45

That friggin' Smith guy again! Another big return. We don't score on opening possessions. That's a cardinal rule of Schotty Ball! Marty taught me that from Day One. Give me Tomlinson to the left behind Slauson!

Result: -1 yard run.

2nd and 25, ball on NYJ 19

This would be the perfect time to call a quick slant to Holmes, or a 10-yard out to Jerricho. Almost too perfect...

Tomlinson to the right behind Hunter! Wam, bam, thank you mam!

Result: 7-yard gain.

Not exactly what I envisioned but third-and-18 will have to do.

2nd Quarter

4th and 1, ball on MIA 37

The Dolphins expect us to run it here, so why don't we?! Let's not even give the illusion that we may pass it. I want a direct snap to Smith with no wide receivers on the field! Break!

Result: No gain.

Wow. I hope Marty saw that. He taught me that one on a cold Cleveland morning in the winter of '88. I'll never forget it.

1st and 15, ball on MIA 39

2nd and 12, ball on MIA 36

3rd and 12, ball on MIA 36

Uh-oh. We're in position to tie this one up right before halftime. That's simply unacceptable. First play, I want Tomlinson behind Hunter.

Result: 3-yard gain.

OK. We're at the 36 and we have two timeouts and more than a minute to play. I'd love to throw a short pass to Keller or a screen to LT but I have to make sure people know I'm not totally against touchdowns. Give me two long, hopeless bombs to Jerricho and Santonio!

Results: Both incomplete. Punt.

Third Quarter

1st and 10, ball on MIA 37

It's time. I haven't called a Hartsock holding penalty all season! We need one here. (Looks to sideline) Where's 84? Where are you? (Hartsock gets tapped on shoulder, wakes up from nap) (Schotty pulls him over by the face mask) I need you to go in there and hold the shit out the linebacker on Shonn's run here, OK!?

Result: 5-yard run, Hartsock called for holding

That's the reason I vouched for him in training camp...

3rd and 7, ball on MIA 41

It's time for The Play. Screen pass to Hunter, lateral to McKnight, pooch punt downfield, have ball deflect off safety's back, Slauson recovers. Break!

Result: Short pass incomplete to Cotchery.

What the EFF was that?! Where's Mark?!

Schotty: What was that? We practiced it all week!

6: I know, but Joe said the thought of kicking the ball made him queasy. We couldn't risk it!

Schotty: Oh, really? He should have told me. I would have called the direct snap, fake flea flicker, halfback dive for him.

6: (Where's the hot chocolate guy?)

Fourth Quarter

1st and 10, ball on MIA 26

Oh crap. Santonio just made a big catch. The crowd is alive. The sideline is up and going. Mark even looks confident. I hate to be unoriginal, but LT behind Slauson here is our only real option. We can't do it again, can we? (Panicking) Awww heck, just do it!

Result: 2-yard gain.

That was a close one. Ole' Reliable.

1st and 10, ball on NYJ 47

I know we need a touchdown to tie it and there's 90 seconds left and this is when Mark plays well, but I...I...I just can't let him do it! Spike the ball here! (Rex yelling in background to keep throwing) No, Rex, you're wrong! Spike it!

Result: Spiked ball.

Excellent, I only had three plays left on my sheet anyway. They are: Sack, Incompletion, Sack. Need I say more?

Dolphins 10, Jets 6

Post-game call from Marty...

Marty: Hello...

Brian: Dad, did you see the game?! I held us to six points versus an inferior opponent! I did it! I really did it!

Marty: What game? You guys played today? I was watching 1996 Kansas Chiefs team highlights all day. Can you believe I got away with starting Steve Bono over Rich Gannon for two straight seasons! I've been drinking to that all day!

(Marty yells to wife)

Honey, the Riesling! I need something sweet!

Brian: (Whimpering)

Marty: The two classiest guys I ever coached: Tamarick Vanover and Bam Morris. Especially Morris. Real stand-up guy. Solid citizen. If we had him in '96 we may have choked even worse down the stretch. We were in 8-3 and lost four of our last five; missed the playoffs. I bet you eff up and let them win in Pittsburgh next week.

Brian: Dad! I had the quarterback attempt 44 passes and only throw for 216 yards today! That's almost impossible!

Marty: That's child's play! Check out this Bono line from '96! Week Eight vs. Denver: 21-49, 213 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT. Beat that you little s**t!

Brian: Nothing is ever good enough for you!

Marty: You'd think I started Bono from U2 that day, wouldn't you?? That takes skill and talent my son! Call me back when you're a head coach and ruining your team's season! Then we can talk!

Brian: (Sniffling) Yes, s...s...(breaks down in tears) (Deep breath) Yes, sir!

That was the original banner for the new Rex Sanchez. The Likely Lad and I initially declined it because we felt it portrayed Sanchez in too timid and apprehensive a light. We thought the Jets quarterback should have a look of determination in his eyes, even if there was a comedic value to it.

Through eleven games Sanchez validated our decision.

In the past two weeks he has made us look like damn fools.

For the second straight week the Jets were held without a touchdown, "improving" their record to 0-4 when they fail to find paydirt. Blame the cold weather, blame dropped passes, blame a porous offensive line, but if you can't admit Sanchez has violently regressed in the past two weeks you are extremely naive and I am very jealous.

After the sack/fumble on the game's final drive (they all blend together at this point), Sanchez laid on the ground for about five seconds longer than he had to. His face read of a little California boy who wanted to snuggle with his teddy bear and have his daddy read him a bed-time story. (I know I'm in no position to question his manhood, he would probably dominate me in any statistical comparison measuring it, but the cajones he showed versus Miami (Week Three), Cleveland, and Houston have disappeared.)

Is it fair to blame Sunday's loss solely on Sanchez?

Of course not. There were roughly 14 different avenues I could have traveled down in finding a scapegoat for today's 10-6 loss, but I chose to take the one with the brightest lights and most traffic running through it.

Here were the other 13 streets I declined to journey through.

1. REX RYAN IS A DUH-FENSIVE CAWD-NATUH! Schottenheimer is ATROCIOUS! Yaw the head coach, Rex! You call da plays!

2. The Dolphins punter---I refuse to memorize his name---was reincarnated as Ray Guy on steroids.

3. It's hard to rip on Santonio and Cotchery when they make so many big plays, but their two drops today (one in the end zone, one on the final drive) absolutely killed the Jets and definitely hurt Sanchez's feelings.

4. You can get away with Slauson replacing Faneca at left guard, but not if Wayne Hunter is playing for an injured Damien Woody.

5. Schottenheimer.

6. Braylon Edwards is useless. Fifty bucks says he goes off in the media and is heavily fined by next Monday.

7. I'm all for screwing with the opponent, but "Strength Coach" Sal Alosi going knee-to-knee with a Dolphins player during a punt return was disgraceful.

8. This actually reinforces my original point, but Deion Sanders just said this on the NFL Network: "Team built for now. Quarterback built for later." Weeping like little girl.

9. LT is old.

10. The Jets backup quarterback is Mark Brunell. I'm not suggesting Sanchez be demoted to the bench permanently, but on a day like today it would've been nice for the Jets to be able throw in a real NFL quarterback to play the fourth quarter. It's Sanchez or bust with this team, and at the moment "bust" doesn't seem so bad.

11. Winning the Broncos, Lions, Browns, and especially Texans games may have been a bad thing. The team decided to wear blinders after each of those victories instead of admitting there were glaring holes in their game. Now, in Week Fifteen heading to Pittsburgh, it may be too late to fix those flaws.

12. Schottenheimer.

13. Nick Folk was the Jets best player today. That's never a good thing.

I'm really struggling to write more about today's game. Losing usually results in compelling headlines and in the blog world, fun-to-write, comical stories, but not Sunday's loss. It was so deflating even my sarcastic, self-loathing humor evaporated into a cold State College night.

I did have two good laughs during the game, though. The first came when our Cleveland-trip partner asked if the plot where the New England game ball was buried had been arranged for a couple's grave. And then when Sanchez spiked the ball on first down on the final drive, our house dog who was watching the game in my room, shot up from his perch on the floor and turned his back to the TV.

The animals always know first.

I NEVER KNEW Rex Sanchez would become a voice of reason.

Really, I never thought the moment would come when I’d turn to a fellow Jets fan, put my arm around his shoulder, and say, “Hey man, it’s just one game. Deep breath. Relax.” Relax!

But there I was this past Monday night (at halftime, as we left the bar*), talking some life back into a group of blanched, shell-shocked faces. The deficit had climbed to 24-3 as we filtered out of Dewey’s Flatiron near Union Square in Manhattan and the crew had seen enough. For me, the game was over and had been from the moment Rex sent a faultless Nick Folk out to attempt a hopeless, 53-yard field goal. The score then was just 3-0 and, with the exception of a hideous bit of coaching on and after third down earlier in the drive, the team had looked girded and ready for a long night’s work.

Yes, they were down, but you got the feeling Rex’s Jets had truly bent not broken against the Pats’ opening surge.

*Since graduating college, I’ve twice gone to the bar to watch our team play. The first was also for a Monday night game (at San Diego in 2008), with the end result similar to Monday’s. My rationale for going this week went something like: The team is 9-2. It is the regular season. If not now, then when? When can I just have a good time and watch my team? Not early in the year, when the die is still being cast. Certainly not in late December when the playoff race is in full swing. The playoffs… Playoffs!... well, I’d say even the most sanitary public house is no place for open heart surgery. Only friends and experts welcome on those afternoons.

 Then came Folk. Just following orders, I suppose. Given the chance to pin the Pats deep in their own territory (or at least 12 yards down from the line of scrimmage), the coach got lost in the moment. Like his twitchy, overreaching defense, he pushed too hard, too soon, and with the missed kick, had reignited—it’s still burning now, days later—the Patriots attack.

The rest is now prologue. The ball has been buried, literally. The Pats “are on to the Bears” now, per Danny “Pat the Patriot” Woodhead. We can only hope the Jets are as smart, stupid, and angry as a football team needs to be in order to bounce back from 45-3.

***

A small change this week from the standard fare. Better than those Five Things We Never Knew About the 2010 Jets, let’s try Three Very Basic Things We Were Reluctant to Admit but Can No Longer Ignore About the 2010 New York Jets.

1) Myth about last season: The defense was the best in the league.

No it wasn’t. It was not the best defense in the NFL last year, just like the Patriots' pass defense is not the worst this year. Ironically, I’d say the two units are quite similar. That is, quite good when able to play on the front foot; lots of holes and easy-to-find weaknesses when trying to reverse the run of play.

For the Jets current personnel to reach its full potential, they needs help from the other two phases. Field position is obviously important for any team, but this group really struggles between the 30-yard lines. When the opposition escapes outside its own 30, it tends to meet little resistance before entering the Jets.’ It’s that basic, bend-don’t-break thing, which can work (even if doesn't fit what the head coach preaches) as long as you don’t break. On Monday night, the Jets were bent, then broken, then poleaxed into tabloid oblivion.

2) Myth about last season and how it relates to this season: Mark Sanchez came of age in the playoffs. He’s like a veteran now.

No he is not. He wasn’t during that last, glorious drive against the Texans and he wasn’t, however more apparently, on Monday. Sanchez is a second year quarterback, young in years and lacking in gameday experience (remember, just more than one season of college starts). He is not ready to carry the team. Very few quarterbacks in the history of the sport carried teams in their second season. Tom Brady, the best of our generation, sat for a few years (when you include college) before Mo Lewis dislocated Drew Bledsoe’s heart and cleared the path for the sixth-rounder to get his shot.

The point is, Sanchez still needs the running game to open up his passing options. And I don’t mean the Wildcat or Triple-Reverse Halfback Option. I’m talkin’ Shonn Greene behind T-Rich, a tight end, Mangold, and Slauson or Moore. It’s not as reliable as last year without Faneca mauling up turf and TJ holding the ball so tight, but it’s still the most necessary element in the Jets’ attack.

3) Teams have figured out Rex’s defensive schemes.

I don’t mean to sound overly dire. Just because the other coach “gets” what the Jets are trying to do doesn’t mean they can stop it. However, when that other coach is Belichick, well, he probably will. As much as Ryan and Tannenbaum talked about drafting to match certain opponents’ strengths, it was really the Pats (who, ironically, would never admit to such a thing) who the best adjustment, canning Randy Moss in favor of this current band of frisky smurfs and clever and strong tight ends.

The heart of the Jets defense is Cover Zero. That means our two corners will match up with your two best receivers and erase them without any safety help. It works. Calvin and Andre Johnson were cast asunder. With Revis back at full strength, it’s hard to imagine Brandon Marshall making a dent this Sunday. But when an offense can be as diverse and clever as New England’s, there is trouble. The safeties cannot cover—it’s basically a group of small linebackers.**

**Speaking of small linebackers, please note that while the Jets could not pry the choo-choo conductor's hat off that kid from Miss. St., LB Brashton Satele has left his frickin' pizza stand in the Bronx to rejoin the team as a practice squad player.

As we saw Monday night, the Patriots come to the line with five possible receivers (eleven minus five lineman and the QB). Once Brady identifies Revis’s mark, he can make his choice about where to go. It was all lost before the snap. Unless Rex and Co. become more clever in disguising their coverage before the play begins, what happens after becomes a fait accompli.

***

Like on Monday, the game scheduled for 4:15 Sunday will only count for one game in the standings. A loss does not break the season, just like a win does not mean “we’re back on track.” As I’ve posited here, this team has rarely if ever been on a proper track in 2010. So let’s just hope for a win, maybe even get it, and live on to fight another day. It’s football, after all, and it’s always about making the tournament. Lock that up, and we’ll go from there.

Prediction: Jets 24, Dolphins 14

No, not the Jets season. Just the game ball from Monday night's 45-3 debacle.

In case you haven't heard, Rex Ryan dug out a hole adjacent to the Jets practice field, took a football (presumably a game-used one) and buried it.

The message being, of course, that the Jets must put their humiliating defeat behind them if they hope to achieve their Super Bowl aspirations. It's a cute move by Rex, one that as always takes the attention away from his players and focuses it on himself. But as for its effect on his team's performance next Sunday? I don't see how it helps. If the Jets lose Sunday, they're f***ed. Sorry. It's a tough reality, I know.

The Jets will still make the playoffs, they can actually clinch a spot this Sunday, but if a loss to Miami is followed by butt-whoopings from Pittsburgh and Chicago and the Jets have to beat a sorry Bills team on Jan. 2 to earn a playoff spot, this dream season will quickly become another Gang Green nightmare.

A longer, more enjoyable (maybe) post tomorrow. I promise.

I trusted you! How could you do this to me?! Are you even listening to me????!!!!

Have you ever dated a person who all your friends tell you is umm, not a long-term prospect, but you dismiss their warnings because you're so in love?

You only take the person to clubs with mediocre to ugly-looking people (the human versions of the Bills/Broncos/Lions/Browns/Texans) and despite some suspicious stare downs, the night always ends in you getting some. You become super confident in your lover's loyalty, so much so that one night you decide to go to the place with the 53 most beautiful people in the world. But after just ten minutes, your significant other is completely naked having a wild orgy with everyone in attendance.

Well, that's how I feel after Monday night's 45-3 loss to the Patriots.

There had been danger signs everywhere I looked, people told me the Jets were not what they seemed, but I saw how they treated me when things got tough. No matter what went wrong, they always pulled out the W and left me a happy camper...

Until I took them to that stupid ass club in the Bumblefuck, Mass. That place is a death sentence for relationships!

I feel like such a sucker. They wooed me with their fourth-quarter comebacks and overtime victories and I believed all the flaws I saw in them were just aberrations and that everyone telling me to run for the hills was just jealous of what I had found.

But on Monday night, every tiny, miniscule weakness that the Jets had shown this season was wildly exploited by the Patriots. New England left no stone unturned, revealing Rex's poor challenging skills, Sanchez's poor decision-making, LT's empty gas tank, the team's absence of a pass-rush and a competent secondary beyond Revis, and of course, a shitty kicker.

When you lose by 42 points it's hard to say one play or decision lost you the game, but Rex electing to have Folk, the Jets' headcase kicker, attempt a 53-yard field goal on a windy, frigid night in Foxborough when they only trailed 3-0 early in the first quarter, really set the tone for the night.

Folk's miss reminded me of Doug Brien's second miss in Pittsburgh (reaching for rat poison): it was 20 yards wide and at least ten yards short. It foreshadowed the night to come, a game so lopsided that you knew from the second it left Nicky Boy's foot that the Jets had no chance of sweeping the Patriots in 2010.

Here's a quick report card before we explore what the consequences of tonight's humiliation may be...

ATROCIOUS!!!!!!!! REX RYAN IS A DUF-ENSIVAH CAWDINATUH!!!! ATROCIOUS!!!!!!!!

Let's move on, because honestly, you have to be a pretty sick, twisted person to want rehash a 45-3 loss. I definitely don't need to save this one my DVR.

So here are the ways I could see the Jets handling this loss. We'll go in order from worst to best.

1. Apocalypse. Dissolve franchise.

2. Collapse. Lose next four games, miss playoffs, Rex eats Sanchez, blog dies.

3. Hard Fall. Lose next three games, eek out ugly win versus Buffalo in finale, make playoffs, win one round, then exit.

4. Stagger. Split the next four games, show signs of life but make it clear that they'll never fully recover.

5. Take It To Heart. Ego and self-esteem hurt, respond with three wins down stretch, win opening round, play it by ear.

6.. Man Up. Win the final four, put pressure on Patriots, have them lose a game, crazy tiebreaker decides division winner.

7. Kill. Let tonight be their wake-up call. Acknowledge the first nine wins were largely a charade, correct problems, crush Fins, Steelers, Bears, Bills. Get first round-bye. Dick-stomp Ravens in second round. Sacrifice live animal before AFC Championship Game against Pats, beat Pats, crush Saints in Super Bowl.

Which do I see happening? I'd bet on No. 5. I'd say No. 6 is a best-case with No. 3 as the worst-case. But if I had to chose between No.'s 2 and 7, I'd go with No. 2.

The Sports Gods would punish me by prematurely ending this blog. What happens when Sanchez reveals his ceiling is Joe Flacco (who if you didn't see Sunday night, stiiiinks!) and his basement is Rick Mirer? What happens when Rex has a nervous breakdown at the podium after the Bills embarrass the Jets 56-7 on Jan. 2? Did you see how red his left eye was tonight? His assistants are already farting on his pillow and the team is 9-3!

These weren't things I worried about until my lover of a football team revealed themselves to be big, smelly, dirty....ahhh you get the point! The Jets were put to the crucible tonight and they came out like a melted ice cream cone on a warm summer's day. They were barely left their names! Only John Proctor would have been satisfied with tonight's result...

I'll give the Jets a second chance though. I have loved them for too long not to. We'll just chalk it up to them drinking too much. Rex's punch is mighty strong from what I hear. Everyone has a bad night now and again. The Jets had theirs on Monday. Luckily, there's still time left for redemption.

Who knows if they're good enough to use it.

Will it be Special 1-0 TV tonight from Foxborough?

What were the odds that Bill Belichick would go into tonight's regular season football game with the best line of the past week?

The HC of the NEP was in typically short and direct with his response. A reporter had just recounted Rex's explanation for why he came to New York.

"Both teams are walking out on the field to come out victorious," he said. Pause.  "Is that a big news story? Is that something we didn't know?" Total deadpan. Almost a tease, a hint at the sparkling, clever mind forever cloaked, unnecessarily I think, in opaque cliche.

The chatter-- mostly from ESPN, really, who've done their usual best to promote the game-- has centered on two HAAA-YOOJ facts. 1) The winner will have an "80+ percent chance of winning the division," and 2) The Jets and Pats are polar opposites. The winning team, be it the wild and crazy Jets, or the all-business Pats, will disprove the other's style.

Of course, it's all nonsense. A Jets win would give them a nice pad with a quarter of the season to go, but two of those games are in Pittsburgh and Chicago. The other two are home against Miami and Buffalo. So basically, four bloodbaths.

The Patriots schedule is similar (swap Green Bay for Pittsburgh) but for one thing: They're the Patriots. Whatever happens tonight, they're going 3-1 down the stretch, at worst. How easily could the Jets win in Foxborough, then finish with just one win in their last four? The point is, there is no point in taking this game for more than what it is: A chance to take a very surmountable one (and a half, with the tiebreaker) game lead in the division.

Then, of course, there's this infernal bit about competing cultures. And yes, fair play, the Jets do talk more, and more honestly to reporters. They did Hard Knocks. The coach wore a wig. A wig!

The truth, though, the kind you find in the standings, is that the Pats and Jets are quite similar. They've both been inconsistent in the pass defense. Both are good against the run. Where the Pats rely heavily on their passing game, the Jets have only looked their best when running effectively. So it's the same thing, only different.

Both coaches go to extremes to take the focus off their players-- Ryan talks, Belichick doesn't and demands the same from his players. Reporters don't ask Jets players for quotes because their notebooks are filled by the coach. Reporters don't ask Patriots players for quotes because they know the players will hide behind Belichick's supposed edict.

Both guys put on an act to protect their team and, in theory, allow them to focus on the Xs and Os, a field in which Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan are twin masters.

***

Hype Week shenanigans aside, here are a few things that must happen if the Jets are going to win. To be clear, all these things could happen and they could still lose. But if they're going to win, then...

...they must complicate their schemes in the secondary. The Pats live and die with those shallow crossing patterns, precisely the type of plays the Jets have been consistently unable to defend. Exhibits A-Z: Nate Burleson. Same goes for the tight ends running sideline routes and post patterns. The Jets's safeties are, to a man, just small linebackers. If Brady knows who Revis is covering before the snap, then he's going to throw for 500 yards, 385 of them being Aaron Hernandez, who's going to like Jim Thorpe galloping between the hashes.

...they must attack the Pats' front seven with power running plays. That means Shonn Greene on first down and/or second down. New England has a dicey secondary, as we all know, but the more guys they can drop back there, the more opportunities they get to implement Belichickian Mind Tricks, the less likely Mark Sanchez is to play the smooth, relaxed passing game that suits him (and every other quarterback, ever, but especially Sanchez.)

...they need to add a wrinkle...

...by not adding any wrinkles. I direct you to Buddy's account of Brian Schottenheimer's inner monologue. Simplicity is what beats New England, not double-reverses or the Wildcat. (In that respect, the Pats actually are quite different than the Jets, who are often burned by their aggressive nature. How I dread the inevitable "screen pass to Danny Woodhead for 41 yards down to the New York 3.")

...they need to have kicker do nothing but almost-miss PATs. Nick Folk is going to fuck this team and it could very well happen tonight. How plausible is this: Jets trail 24-21 with 4:34 to play. After the Patriots punt, Sanchez hits Keller up the middle for 30 and a first down at the New England 45 yard line. They run the stretch left for LT, then Santonio aaaalmost breaks it on a quick slant. Three minutes and twenty-eight seconds now. One timeout. Another first down on a slant quick out to Braylon-- the first they've run all night-- but the Pats tighten up and bang, it's fourth and long from the 24.

That's a 41-yarder.

Tell me now, tell yourself, that there's any chance Nick Folk makes that kick.

...

...

...And there you have it. It won't be cinematic. The Pats will take over possession and the next time Sanchez touches a live NFL game ball will be at some time between 4:18 and 4:45pm, Sunday, December 12 at The New Meadowlands stadium in New Jersey.

***

That's all for now. You heard it here last. Just a few hours until kick-off. Be champions.

Predictions

TLL: 27-21 Pats

BC: 27-24 Jets