23 March 2012
Number One With A Bullet
If you've read Rex Sanchez for the past 2.5 years (damn, we're getting old), you'll know that we are huge fans of fake interviews and conversations. We don't have the access or time beat reporters have to get inside scoops, so we create our own. Our most successful interview series was of course, "The Beautiful Mind." But when Brian Schottenheimer left for St. Louis (let's all pause and say a prayer for Sam Bradford......amen.), we were left with a huge void. Who were we going to "talk" to now?
We explored our options. "Drunk Drew Stanton" was debated. "Crib Building Cromartie" was discussed. And "Metrosexual Mark" was proposed. But in the end, we wanted to hear what the men in the Jets' front office were thinking the morning they traded for the most polarizing sports figure in America.
We settled on the one, the only, the biggest condescending prick of them all, Mike Tannenbaum.
So without further ado, here is the "conversation" between Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum, offensive coordinator Tony Sparano, and a third party simply known as Common Sense Guy (he has to exist somewhere in the Jets front office, right?), from the wee hours of Wednesday morning.
MT: (Flipping through the morning paper) Man, we've really done nothing this offseason. Not a single backpage story for a signing. I listened to The Daily News when they said to Go Get Peyton! I don't know what else to do.
CSG: The boat has kind of sailed on an impact signing. You missed out on the right tackle Eric Winston, guard Carl Nicks and the inside linebacker Stephen Tulloch. Those three guys could have been impact signings.
MT: Who? I've never heard of them. If they haven't been mentioned in the first 10 minutes of SportsCenter, then I simply don't care about them.
CSG: So what are you thinking we should do?
MT: I don't know. Ever since Peyton texted me back saying, "Fuck. Off.," I've been craving a big move. And look here, the Knicks have a big game versus the Sixers tonight, the Rangers play the Red Wings, and most importantly, A-Rod took a monster crap in Joe Girardi's personal bathroom this morning. That is NOT going to go over well with the tabloids. We have a lot of competition for the backpage. We need a new offensive weapon. Call in Sparano so I can get his input.
(Sparano enters room)
CSG: Tony, really? Sunglasses inside a conference room?
TS: You know my eyes are sensitive to light after what happened to me as a kid.
CSG: I'm not buying that story. I just think you're just a huge douche.
TS: (Shrugs shoulder, lowers bottom lip, tilts head in agreement)
MT: OK, Tony. We need to make a move on offense. Your thoughts?
TS: Well, if we want to save Sanchez's life and win the division, we need a new right tackle.
MT: Woah, woah, woah. Did I hire you to bore me with "football ideas?!" We're in the entertainment business here. I'm trying to get a fucking backpage story. If you're not going to help me then get out of here! (Re-adjusts cheap, tight suit) Now, give me a skill player guy.
TS: Well, Dallas Clark is...
(SportsCenter begins in the background, Chris McKendry announces Broncos are going to trade Tim Tebow...)
MT: Wait, is she for real? Is that true? Let's get this guy!
CSG: Uh you know he plays quarterback, right Mike? You just gave Sanchez a monster extension. How about we look at wide receivers...
MT: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
CSG: Did you just quote Wedding Crashers?
TS: Well, when I was in Miami we ran what was called The Wildcat. I think Tebow would be really good in that.
MT: Tell me more about this Wildcat.
TS: Well, it helped us win the division in 2008 and it really helped improve our run game.
MT: Any success in the playoffs with it?
CSG: No. They did not win a single playoff game running the Wildcat. In fact, Baltimore, a team we'll likely face in the playoffs, absolutely destroyed it. No team has ever won a playoff game using the Wildcat as a constant source of offense. It's a stupid, less imaginative version of running the option.
MT: What did I tell you, Common Sense Guy?!? Stop it! So, Tony, the guys who helped you run it, who are they and where are they now?
CSG: He had Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams run it the one regular season it was successful. Brown is now out of football and Williams is retired. Brown is the guy who inexplicably threw the ball forward on a goal line play for the Eagles last year. Do you remember that?
MT: Hahaha yes I certainly do! That was great. So funny. So ENTERTAINING. That's exactly what I'm looking for. Tony, do you think Tebow could entertain the common fan like that? You know, the guy who comes to one game a year and wants to buy a jersey for his 6-year old son.
TS: Well sure, yeah. And he's handsome as hell, definitely has no STD's, and by many accounts, may be related to God or is at least in God's entourage.
MT: Really? What would we have to give up for this guy?
TS: A late-round draft pick.
MT: That's all?
CSG: Yes, that's all, Mike. The Broncos are desperate to get rid of him. He's an albatross around the team and every other quarterback on the roster. In fact, the Broncos just spent nearly $100 million on a 36-year old quarterback whose had three neck surgeries in the past year and has significant nerve damage in his throwing arm just so they'd have an excuse to trade Tebow and prevent a fan uprising.
MT: So let me get this straight. He's young, handsome, healthy, well-spoken, cheap, AND holy? Someone get me John Elway's number! Let's make this happen!
TS: (Reads off phone number)
MT: (In a whisper yell voice) Will you shut the fuck up already?! I'm on the pho... (Overly friendly voice) Heeeeey, Johhhhhn! How are ya? So that Tim guy? Does a fourth and a sixth round pick sound good to you? Yeah? Well great, let's submit the paperwork to the league! Have a great day now! Yes, yes it was great doing business with you, too! Take care.
TS: We got Tebow?!?
MT: We got him!!!
(MT and TS embrace)
CSG: Mike, did you just agree to the trade? We haven't even looked at his contract yet. What's his cap number? How much guaranteed money is left on the deal? Shouldn't we check this out? Guys, THIS IS A BAD...
Woody Johnson: (Wipes splattered blood off glassesf) It's Tebow Time, bitches.