10 August 2012
Rex's face after hearing Greg Buttle's analysis of Quinton Coples...
April 18th. That's the last time I wrote in this space. I simply don't have time to blog anymore. Being a single-writer blogger is for college students and the unemployed. I now, unfortunately, have responsibility, and therefore can't stay up until 5 a.m. every night. With that said, I feel I have an obligation to keep this blog going as long as its namesakes are still in charge of the team. Will I be able to throw in the towel by Week Four? If we chant TEEEEE-BOW! loudly enough at MetLife Stadium I think the answer is yes! But until then, we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into Rich Kotite's past.
(I''m not going to insult you by estimating the times on each of these. It is in chronological order, though.)
-CBS, in their eternally futile quest to be "cool," blasts Mac Miller in the pre-game rollout. I've known the lad---Malcolm is his real name---for five years. I've actually seen him "eat yogurt" in his house, as he once so eloquently rapped about. Can my passive-aggressive resentment of his music be directly traced back to the Flyers in 24/7? Yes, of course. (He's a nice lad, actually. And for the record, no, he definitely has no recollection of who I am.)
-I enjoy how preseason broadcasts are localized. Ian Eagle is fantastic so that's a plus. It also gives us the chance to hear Greg Buttle make absolutely no sense for three-plus hours. I have a good feeling about this one...
-Here's the Jets first offensive series...
1st down: Sanchez rolls out right, pass complete to fullback John Conner for no gain.
2nd down: Greene rushes left for a two-yard gain.
3rd down: Sanchez sacked for a nine-yard loss.
The entire series I imagined The Beautiful Mind (that's Brian Schottenheimer for those new to the program) awakening from a deep sleep, like a character inTrue Blood who knows their maker is in danger, and beginning to pace and sweat and walk outside to smoke a cigarette. He has to know when Sanchez is being utterly useless, right?
-There he is! After a quiet first few minutes, Buttle unleashes these two beauties in a matter of seconds...
On Shonn Greene's running style: "He runs with his feet on the ground."
On why the preseason is helpful: "You want to play these plays."
Brain my hurting is.
-After another three-and-out, the Bengals are whistled for an illegal formation penalty after a 58-yard punt from T.J. Conley.
That's a Jets....FIRST DOWN!!!!!!
-An inordinate amount of people tweeting that they LOVE the Jets new uniforms. Hmm, maybe that's because they're EXACTLY the same as last year's jerseys. For fuck's sake. Nike really does brainwash people.
-I remain impossibly uncomfortable with Skinny Rex Ryan. It's like Friendly Mike Francesa. It simply shouldn't exist.
-Mike Nugent frustrates me for many reasons. First, he is 30-years old. That makes me feel old. Second, the Bengals used their franchise tag on him. That's right. They used their franchise tag on Mike Nugent, the second-round bust of a kicker who the Jets drafted in 2005. And third, he looks exactly like Kevin Burkhardt. This is all very off-putting.
-Tebow completes a pass to Stephen "My Parents' Names Are Actually Karen and Henry" Hill. As I tweeted earlier today, I want the piano exit from "Layla" played after every catch he makes this season.
-The Bengals have yet another player injured, which seems to be happening every other play. Naturally, my first thought goes to the scene from Wedding Crashers where Sack keeps (appropriately) sacking Vince Vaughn, and Rachel McAdams says, "Your brother. He's down again."
-Woah. CBS just aired one of the cheesiest Get To Know You pieces I have ever seen. Undoubtedly abetted by Tebow's awkward perfectness, it reminded me of a REALLY bad chef introduction on Chopped. Here are the highlights...
"My favorite meal? Mom's homemade tacos! (Followed by a Kool-Aid guy "OHHH YEAH!" look on his face)"
"In my free time I like to play games...my favorite games are Taboo and Catch Phrase."
Can't you see Tebow inviting a girl over to hang out, she humors him by playing Taboo, they're having a great time, she figures once the game is over she'll be able to get some. On the inside she's already moaning, the game ends, he moves towards her, she closes her eyes, he reaches past her, grabs a box, and says enthusiastically: "It's time for Catch Phrase!"
And finally, in response to what's needed to play for Rex Ryan he says, "You gotta love football!" followed by another Kool-Aid guy "OHHH YEAH!" face.
He can't be a real human being. He just can't be.
-Tebow scrambles for a long gain. Mid-rush, the normally cool and collected Ian Eagle becomes so flustered he goes completely silent for a solid two seconds (that's long in broadcasting time). I'd like to think he was wetting his pants for the entirety of those two seconds.
-I think we can all agree the Jets should keep Josh Brown and cut Nick Folk, right? Kickers are like closers, unless you have Mariano Rivera, you're better off switching it up every couple years. And that's for the kicker's sake, too. You don't want to give a fan base too many opportunities to wish death upon you.
-ERIC SMITH IS HURT!!! Oh, right. Ummm, this is awkward. It kinda feels like when you go to a pre-game at someone's apartment, and there's one person you reaaaalllly don't want coming, and you get there and find out they're not coming, but due to social norms you have to restrain your jubilation. Yeah, that's how I felt seeing Eric Smith injured.
-During an in-game sideline interview with Sanchez, CBS shows a quick reel of his "highlights" from the first quarter. Naturally, the b-roll ends with him being sacked. That wasn't the best part though, as Sanchez responds to, "What's your favorite part of Tony Sparano's offense?" by confidently saying, "The wristbands."
Yeah, that sounds about right.
-Buttle has been pretty coherent since his massive hiccup in the first quarter, but when asked to analyze rookie Quinton Coples' performance (who, by the way, was the brightest spot of tonight's game), he says, and this is verbatim, "When you start watching a game, and all ya gotta do is just watch 98 (Coples) and he's makin' plays, he's makin plays and I'll tell ya somethin', if he just keeps makin' plays, I don't care who it is, he's only getting better because he's gonna have such a good feel for it as he gets older and older in this season alone."
Like holy fucking shit. Read that again if your brain didn't shut off the first time. How can a human being articulate a thought like that? I'll blame it on a career in football and the concussions that come with it. Because if that's not it, then yeah, DNA testing is in order. That was not a human thought.
-After Marvin Lewis (I can't believe he's still their head coach) calls timeout after timeout to extend the first half of a preseason game, the Bengals block a punt and recover it in the end zone for a touchdown. CBS fails to immediately get a Mike Westhoff iso, blowing their one great chance for a mouthed F-bomb during the broadcast.
The score is now Bengals 10, Je
Oh wait. I think I'm being taken out of the game. Yup, my night's over. There's no way I'm writing another 1,300 words about this disgrace of a sporting event. It's my preseason, too. I'll try to do three quarters next week, but if I suffer a "soft tissue injury" a la Santonio Holmes, you can't judge me for not writing anything.